23 Backhanded “Compliments” That Are Actually Insults

 Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.

While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.

Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”

Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.

These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.

1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”

Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.

How to respond: “Because I am fun!”

What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”

2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”

Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.

How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”

What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”

3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”

Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.

How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”

What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”

4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”

Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.

How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”

What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”

5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”

Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.

How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”

What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”

6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”

Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.

How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.

What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”

7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”

Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.

How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”

What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”

8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”

Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.

How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.

What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”

9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”

Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.

How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.

What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”

10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”

Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.

How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.

What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”

11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”

Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.

How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”

What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”

12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”

Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.

How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.

What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”

13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”

Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.

How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”

What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”

14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”

Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.

How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.

What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”

15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”

Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.

How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”

What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”

16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”

Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.

How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.

What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”

17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”

Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?

How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.

What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”

18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”

Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.

How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.

What they could have said instead: “You look great!”

19. “You’re So Articulate.”

Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.

How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.

What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”

20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”

Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.

How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”

What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”

21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”

Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”

How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.

What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”

22. “You Look So Comfortable!”

Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.

How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”

What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”

23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”

Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.

How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”

What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”

Pierce Brosnan’s estranged stepson has astonished fans with his appearance in uncommon photos after reports surfaced that the Hollywood star had cut ties with him.

Recent photos of Pierce Brosnan’s stepson have sparked a wave of internet comments, many of which are worried about his appearance and label it as “sad.” Take a look at the pictures that started this discussion.

The stepson of well-known actor Pierce Brosnan, Christopher Brosnan, has had a turbulent life. Pierce tried to help him after his mother passed away, but in the end, he had to make the difficult choice to break off contact with Christopher.

Pierce Brosnan at the 18th Annual Oscar Wilde Awards on March 7, 2024, in Santa Monica, California. | Source: Getty Images

Twenty years later, brand-new street images of the actor’s stepson have emerged, sparking a range of responses on social media. View the arresting pictures that sparked debate on the famous star’s stepson.

Pierce’s Difficult Family Situation
Loved by many in Hollywood, Pierce Brosnan is known for his endearing roles, especially as the dapper spy James Bond. But beyond the glamour of Hollywood, he has had serious personal difficulties, especially with relation to his family.

Pierce Brosnan courtside on day thirteen of the Wimbledon Tennis Championships on July 13, 2024, in London, England. | Source: Getty Images

His first wife, Cassandra Harris, had a significant influence on the dynamics of his family. She had two children from her former marriage to British producer Dermot Harris, Charlotte and Christopher, when they got married in 1980. Later, in 1984, the couple welcomed Sean Brosnan into the world. Pierce adopted both of Cassandra’s children following the death of her first husband in 1986, forming a devoted blended family.

Cassandra’s death from ovarian cancer in 1991 was a tragedy that left the entire family in deep mourning. Pierce had to juggle his acting job and parenting their kids as a bereaved father.

Pierce Brosnan courtside on day thirteen of the Wimbledon Tennis Championships on July 13, 2024, in London, England. | Source: Getty Images

The actor said, “I don’t look at the cup as half full, believe me,” following the passing of his spouse. Pierce’s sad memories were resurrected in 2013 when his daughter Charlotte lost her fight with the same cancer.

“On June 28 at 2 p.m., my darling daughter Charlotte Emily passed on to eternal life, having succumbed to ovarian cancer,” he said, expressing his unreserved anguish during this difficult time.

Pierce Brosnan and Cassandra Harris at the 10th Annual People's Choice Awards afterparty on March 15, 1984, in Los Angeles, California. | Source: Getty Images

Pierce reconnected with love after experiencing excruciating heartbreak, wed Keely Shaye Smith in 2001. Keely rose from fame as a television personality to prominence as a documentarian and environmental campaigner. Their family grew when they welcomed Dylan and Paris, their two kids.

Pierce understood the difficulties of parenting sons and accepted his responsibility as a father. “I have experience raising sons, and it can be a really difficult journey. My instincts as a father are entirely personal,” he said. Regretfully, one of his boys would grow apart from him.

Pierce Brosnan, Cassandra Harris, Charlotte Brosnan, and Christopher Brosnan at the "Cats" opening night on January 11, 1985, in Century City, California. | Source: Getty Images

The Journey and Difficulties of Christopher, the Estranged Son
The Brosnan family became closer as they grieved Cassandra together. You simply feel things deeper today. Pierce observed, “You love and hug more deeply.”

He spent a lot of time with his sons, hosting swimming parties and beach vacations. He understood, nevertheless, that their sorrow would not go away quickly.

Pierce Brosnan and Keely Shaye Smith at the 25th Annual Women in Film Crystal Awards on June 8, 2001, in Century City, California. | Source: Getty Images

Pierce learned of his children’s emotional difficulties as the family dealt with their loss. He let them see his emotions, telling them that even though he was alone, everything will work out in the end.

“I can see the pain in Christopher’s eyes, the absence in his heart for his mother,” the man said. Christopher once made an attempt to emulate his stepfather by going to UCLA to take a screenplay course and pursuing a career in cinema. He even made contributions to a few of Pierce’s movies, including as “Tomorrow Never Dies” and “GoldenEye.” But despite his early promise, Christopher battled addiction, which forced the actor to break things off with him.

Pierce Brosnan and his son Dylan Brosnan at the Sunset Marquis Hotel and Rock Against Trafficking Grammy Afterparty on February 8, 2015, in Los Angeles, California. | Source: Getty Images

Pierce has been open about how addiction has affected his family, especially with regard to his stepson. He pointed out that since drinking claimed the lives of both Charlotte and Christopher’s biological father, addiction frequently appears to have inherited origins.

Charlotte finally recovered, but Christopher’s journey was far more difficult. Pierce said that Christopher was “still very lost,” expressing his profound concern for his stepson’s difficulties. Remarkably so.

Pierce Brosnan with his sons Paris Brosnan and Dylan Brosnan at the premiere of "Love Is All You Need" on April 25, 2013, in Hollywood, California. | Source: Getty Images

When Pierce made the decision to cut ties with Christopher, things became very serious. It hurts because you become withdrawn. I have to cut Christopher off, but you never really cut them off. I had to give the order “Go.” “Either get busy dying, or get busy living,” he said.

Pierce acknowledged that the choice was difficult, but that Christopher’s continuous struggle with addiction made it inevitable. “I love Christopher and just want him well and healthy, despite his waywardness and addiction,” he said. Pierce’s affection for his stepson was evident despite their distance from one another.

Pierce Brosnan, Christopher Brosnan, and Sean Brosnan at the "Mrs. Doubtfire" premiere on November 22, 1993, in Beverly Hills, California. | Source: Getty Images

Pierce said, “My love forever to you dear sons, Paris, Dylan, Sean, and Christopher, thank you deeply for your love on this Father’s Day,” in 2022, despite their tense relationship. Pierce also mentioned Christopher. Pierce’s public statement demonstrated that despite obstacles, he remained concerned for Christopher.

Internet Users React to This View of Christopher
When Christopher was discovered in 2019, there was conjecture regarding his living situation following years of separation. He returned to the public eye in June 2024, and his appearance generated much discussion on social media about how he looked after such a lengthy period of anonymity.

Christopher, Charlotte, and Pierce Brosnan at the premiere of "Love Affair" on October 13, 1994, in West Hollywood, California. | Source: Getty Images

One person commented, “Wow, sad!” “He looks older than his father,” remarked someone else. Drugs, regrettably, have that effect on people. Other others expressed similar opinions, saying things like “He doesn’t look well” and “Son looks so much older than his dad.” Not at all.

Even though Pierce Brosnan’s choice to keep his distance from Christopher was clearly tough, the actor still has hope for his stepson’s healing and tranquility. The “GoldenEye” actor said that Christopher is on his mind and that he is hopeful that he will get through this difficult phase of his life.

Christopher Brosnan, Pierce Brosnan's mother May Smith, Pierce Brosnan,  Keely Shaye Smith, and Charlotte Brosnan at the "GoldenEye" premiere party on November 13, 1995, in New York. | Source: Getty Images

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